Blue

Today is not a good day. After feeling so positive post-surgery I have now come down to earth with a bang. I was feeling fine so decided to go shopping on Thursday night. My mum drove me to the shops and I just walked around and got what I needed. By the end of the night I realised that I had totally overdone it and just felt like crap. Even though I am not in any actual pain any more, my right side is still a bit tender from the surgery. I feel a bit like someone has punched me in the side and occasionally the feeling nauseates me.

I was so determined not to let it beat me and have been trying to be so independent but it's horrible when your body lets you down. When you really want to get out there and do stuff but your body just says "NO".

Normally, I would love to sit around the house all day reading books and watching DVDs but psychologically because I know that I can't go out and do stuff, I really want to go out. I feel like a caged animal.

I have so much stuff in the house to be sorted out, cupboards to be tidied and cleaning to be done but I can't even bend and stretch too much to do that. It is so annoying. Mentally, I just feel so beaten down I can't even concentrate on a book or anything. I have just been flicking through cook books and magazines because they have a lot of pictures and make easy reading. I don't know what is wrong with me.

I feel somewhat bad for being like this because I know that my surgery was minor compared to what some people have to go through. Having gall stones is hardly life threatening but this experience has made me realise just how important health is. I know that I will get better in time but it has made me think about all those who won't get better, who can't get better. I find it terrifying that I might end up like that one day. It is so horrible having to rely on others to do things for you and having some of your choices taken away from you, even if it is only for a short period of time.

Anyway, I will struggle on. I know that I have many, many things to be thankful for.

About

A few weeks ago I decided that I no longer liked the way I looked any more. Actually, I had decided that long before then but despite various attempts at improvement I hadn't actually managed to succeed in doing something about it.

With thirty fast approaching (in six months to be precise), I have decided to embark on a life changing healthy eating (dare I say diet) and exercise programme. This started about four weeks ago and I am pleased to say I am now 16lbs lighter than I was then. I plan to continue with this without killing myself in the process although I have indulged in a couple of large white wines this evening.

One of the things that I find particularly interesting is the way the media constantly berates the obese in our society, particularly women. According to them we cannot do any of the following:

• Have a successful career or a good job (because we are either 1. too lazy to work or 2. completely undesirable to a prospective employer)
• Be in a happy, loving relationship (well....a bloke doesn't want to be seen with a fat girl on his arm does he?)
• Have sex (we are clearly too fat to be able to manoeuvre into any position successfully)
• Have children (obese women apparently find it more difficult to conceive and carry a child successfully)
• Be a good mother (apparently being obese also means that we are unfit roll models for our children. Hmmm........it seems that drug addicted, alcoholics are making better mothers these days. Well, they are thin after all)

For the record, I have a good job and am in a happy, loving relationship with a man who adores me. We do have sex and enjoy it although I admit that it is not as uninhibited as I would like to be. I know plenty of obese women who have managed to conceive and have given birth to healthy babies and went on to become great mothers however, this is one of the reasons I have decided to lose weight permanently and become healthier. With the aforementioned 30th birthday looming, I am scared of the effects my weight is having on my health. Admittedly, when I was younger I was more concerned that I didn't look as good as my friends or that I couldn't get the latest fashions because I just looked like a sack of potatoes in them. As I get older I do worry more about the health implications. I would like children and I don't want people judging them because their mother is overweight. Sadly, people do and other children can be so cruel as I often found out when I was growing up. Anyway, more about that another time when I feel more able to talk about it.

While I am on this subject I noticed this article in the newspaper (I use that term loosely) today entitled 'Triplets Joy of 40st Mum: World's fattest mother of three tells her story'

http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/news/article14491.ece

The article talks about how "A enormous 68-strong team of medics weighed in to deliver 40-stone Leanne's three healthy babies.
And the total bill to the NHS added up to a hefty £200,000—four times the normal cost of a triplets pregnancy"........

Yes, I realise that 40st is a lot of weight to carry and it does mean serious health risks but what about the hundreds of babies that are born each year to drug addicted mothers. The babies who are born addicts themselves and have to be treated for heroin withdrawal. What about their cost to the NHS and then ultimately, the cost to Social Services when their parents are too drugged up to care for them.

I mean no disrespect to anyone who has substance abuse problems, I know that everyone has different circumstances to deal with in their life but come on! Isn't it better to have a baby born to an obese mother who loves and cares for it than born into the unhappy, chaotic world of substance abuse and all the implications that go along with it?

Loving: Gwyneth Paltrow's legs

Loathing: Tabloid trashpapers