Blue

Today is not a good day. After feeling so positive post-surgery I have now come down to earth with a bang. I was feeling fine so decided to go shopping on Thursday night. My mum drove me to the shops and I just walked around and got what I needed. By the end of the night I realised that I had totally overdone it and just felt like crap. Even though I am not in any actual pain any more, my right side is still a bit tender from the surgery. I feel a bit like someone has punched me in the side and occasionally the feeling nauseates me.

I was so determined not to let it beat me and have been trying to be so independent but it's horrible when your body lets you down. When you really want to get out there and do stuff but your body just says "NO".

Normally, I would love to sit around the house all day reading books and watching DVDs but psychologically because I know that I can't go out and do stuff, I really want to go out. I feel like a caged animal.

I have so much stuff in the house to be sorted out, cupboards to be tidied and cleaning to be done but I can't even bend and stretch too much to do that. It is so annoying. Mentally, I just feel so beaten down I can't even concentrate on a book or anything. I have just been flicking through cook books and magazines because they have a lot of pictures and make easy reading. I don't know what is wrong with me.

I feel somewhat bad for being like this because I know that my surgery was minor compared to what some people have to go through. Having gall stones is hardly life threatening but this experience has made me realise just how important health is. I know that I will get better in time but it has made me think about all those who won't get better, who can't get better. I find it terrifying that I might end up like that one day. It is so horrible having to rely on others to do things for you and having some of your choices taken away from you, even if it is only for a short period of time.

Anyway, I will struggle on. I know that I have many, many things to be thankful for.